I came up with the idea recently to start my own blog and just jot down everything, unapologetically everything. Throughout the last couple of months on my Instagram, I have been trying to add captions with some real context and meaning behind my whole day, as an emoji or a song lyric doesn't hold memories. I've come to realise what I put on Facebook and Instagram isn't really my true memories, they're edited and filtered to shit. As I started up this blog, I came across when I started this blog before. I had one unpublished post, half finished and this what I'd written.
"So I'm going to be 21 by the end of this week, 19th February and I've managed to make plans. Usually, you'd be really excited for such a big birthday because nothing that big comes after that for a while does it, just 30 I guess, then 40... That sounds so frightening. Anyways I've been in a low spell for probably the last 3/4 weeks now and although I have been able to keep myself on top a majority of the time I still don't feel right. The birthday celebrations I'm not very excited for a majority of the time, it seems to come in bursts, I'll be moping about in my room and then get a sudden rush of excitement and either run downstairs to the front room, unintentionally annoy both my parents with my childlike enthusiasm or I'll stick on Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel and have a party for one in my room. The rest of the time I'm worried about being in the right mood for my friends and family on my celebrations, wondering if I'll be able to stay upbeat throughout all of the events."
"I had a look through my photos the other day and realised that for my 18th birthday I also had my natural hair colour. I've had so many in between but it's quite funny out of all the looks and personas I've had over the years for the two main birthdays I'll have managed to look quite normal. I've been trying not to say it out loud but I really am bored of this natural hair, I feel so plain. My expression has always been through my hair and makeup and not really clothes so to have just boring hair is doing my head in a little bit. A lot of family and friends have said they really like it but"
I guess I didn't finish what I had to say. I haven't edited this at all but it made me wonder how did I represent this time of life on my social media, so I went to see.
To be honest the outcome was a lot different to what I'd imagined. I thought I'd have made out everything was going swell. Nowadays I think when I feel 'ill' (I don't know why I've just automatically put that in quotation marks, I suppose ill sounds like I'm throwing up and I don't exactly want to put the word mentally in front of it as who the hell wants to describe themselves as that) I usually stay on social media too much in the beginning stages, opening up, creating content, frantically giving my every thought of the day to Snapchat, rabbling like an idiot as if they'll all even interested. And then when I get worse the creativity and desire to talk or show any human presence vanishes and I don't post a thing. Even with my behaviour, I still don't know whether I'd describe myself as a sad girl, sometimes I'm quite the opposite... I don't want this blog all to be about my feelings and emotions, but because I'm quite an open person, I may go into depth about that side of me but I mainly want to document my life in the most honest way. I'm hoping this will help me understand myself and my patterns, work out what I love doing, what brings me up and what brings me down.
I'm not initially doing this for other people to read but if they fancy reading along then you're all more than welcome. I'm guessing I'll have people that like me, people that don't, people who've never met me, and people that will form an opinion on me from these blog posts but I don't care about being vulnerable anymore. I've felt vulnerable my whole life, sharing makes me feel more at ease as if burdens are being tossed out of my brain and I can think a bit clearer. I wonder if I'll do weekly instalments or add bits to this daily, kind of like an open diary, isn't it?
We'll see.
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